• The Old Man

  • Has played more games than any of the other competitors

  • Teaches how to work the body on weekends

  • Is very self-conscious of the grays in their fur and is currently considering dyeing

  • Experience has taught him the most valuable lesson of all: always brush your teeth before bed

  • Favours prune juice due to its reputation as “a warrior’s drink”


  • The Once and Future King

  • Former 4-season MVP

  • Returning to the game after a horrible tooth sharpening accident left them on the sidelines for the last season

  • Sharp teeth, sharp ears, can’t lose

  • Has no idea why Crumbo seems so mad at them all the time

  • Will order “turf and turf” at any restaurant that offers the more common coastal variant


  • The Tactician

  • Believes in a solid grounding in the fundamentals of the game, coupled with a strong strategic mind

  • Considers Ortorous as their only true rival on the field, and will stop at nothing to better them

  • Has deep-rooted jealousy of all the other players’ eyebrows

  • Refuses to discuss their “brow envy” with their therapist

  • Snacks on sushi due to its “brain food” reputation


  • The Rising Star

  • Always keeps one eye on the ball, one eye on their rivals, and one eye on the crown

  • Has been vegan for the last 4 years

  • Whenever asked about his eating habits claims “Just wanted something light”

  • Despite 4 years of this, no one has realised they’re vegan

  • Makes a pretty great mushroom risotto


  • The Berserker

  • Is out here to prove that depth perception isn’t necessary to be a champion

  • Record holder for the most number of complete-game turnarounds

  • Has a very one-sided rivalry with Grimlock due to their “3D vision”

  • Would describe their passion as “truck-like”

  • Loves hot wings, is undefeated by even the spiciest varieties


  • Izi!

  • Refuses to wear pants, under all situations

  • Their childlike desire to play has spread to exactly none of his fellow competitors

  • This may be due to their consistent lack of pants

  • IZI!

  • Loves dessert due to a massive sweet tooth